Capitaan dildo arrescate!
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
