I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
