if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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