a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
