Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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