NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
