That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
