So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
