I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Panties = found
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