We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Shitshow foam night was such a success
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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