I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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