Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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