Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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