Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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