Dude my mom stole all your condoms
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
