the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
