So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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