I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize