Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
