she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
