did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Randomize
