Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
i think my mom watched the whole time
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
