how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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