this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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