So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
