I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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