Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
