Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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