the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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