my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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