Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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