4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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