Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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