just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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