This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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