I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
