everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Randomize
