I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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