WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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