did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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