I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
