We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize