Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
