I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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