Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
