i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
BRING THE BAGELS
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
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