I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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