paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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