I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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