im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
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