I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
