Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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