So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize