Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
