i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
