I met the friendliest cop last night
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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