I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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