I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
