he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
