New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
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