erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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