Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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