but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
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