She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
