Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
